Last October, while I was at a museum in Manhattan, I noticed a Post-It stuck inside the stall in the women’s restroom. “Woman to woman,” it read, “Remember, your vote is private. Harris/Walz!” The message was encouraging, but it made my heart sink. I have never experienced such an election campaign in my life. this had to be shared.

But in the devastating aftermath Trump wins another presidential electionWe find ourselves in a reality marked by such intense fear and intimidation that it is no wonder women are exchanging secret messages in the few private spaces we have left.

And the threat — to use Donald Trump’s favorite word, “revenge“- there is such a heavy burden on us that we can only prepare for what will come after November 5 or January 20,”Whether women like it or notWe women have been deprived of what could have been a very important campaign and a historic victory.

We normalized strange for so long that it seems impossible to suggest that it doesn’t have to be this way. Just a few election cycles ago, the tenor of political debate involved losers who agreed and voters who didn’t. Storm the Capitol and representatives who do not seek to overturn elections.

In an alternate reality, Harris might have faced a Republican opponent who didn’t. question your racial identity and routinely mispronounces his name. Mainstream pundits call it “a DEI hire” or sleeping all the way to the top. The fact that he has no biological children may not have been used as a weapon. a rebuke of his “modesty”. His opponent’s former aide wasn’t kidding about repealing the 19th Amendment, either.

But civil discourse has been reduced to a useless point at this point, and a presidential candidate may share rude jokes about his rival with barely a single interruption in the news cycle. a candidate also convicted of serious crimeswho was it Found responsible for sexual assault by civil jury. Meanwhile, respected newspapers once run by billionaires now refused to support a competent and consistent woman for president.

Hey guys, ’cause I think for the last eight years women’s marches And #Me too I didn’t make it clear – how do you think this makes women feel? Women of color? Women who have been sexually harassed and who are survivors of sexual assault? What do you think is the lesson we learned from this about our value in our own country?

Last week I asked some women to reflect on these questions and this campaign.

“Throughout my entire family’s history, people in my family reached a point where white male society said, ‘Okay, that’s enough,'” my friend Celeste HeadleeThe author of “We Need to Talk” told me this. “The intelligence of most women, but women of all races, has been underestimated, called angry, called aggressive, called scary. I lost two jobs where I was specifically told this was because I was an ‘angry’ person.”

“Watching Kamala Harris run for president is like watching all the disappointments and heartaches of your life play out in real time, only this time the risk isn’t me losing my job,” Headlee said. “Bets losing democracy, lose all reproductive rightsessentially losing bodily autonomy in a way that hasn’t happened to women of color since the end of the Civil War.”

Journalist and workplace equality expert Farai Chideya He viewed this moment similarly. “When you look at this race, you can’t underestimate the impact of misogyny,” he said.

“There are a lot of different ways that Kamala Harris is considered less valid because of her gender and the combination of her gender and her race. She’s not just dealing with sexism, but specifically. misogynist“

For the sake of my daughters and their offspring, I try to stay positive today, even as I grieve having fewer reproductive rights for their age. I can see the gains we have made despite and because of surprising setbacks. Would we have #MeToo without the pain of Hilary Clinton’s defeat in 2016? Could we have it now? There are a record number of women in Congress? Damn, we too”Barbie“?

“When it comes to social justice, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle.” Lily Burana, author of “Grace for Amateurs” he told me. “Women and Generation Alpha girls have an awareness of systemic misogyny, queer issues, and their value that is literally unthinkable for me as a Generation X girl. When you turn the rock over and people saw that, you can’t ignore these systems of oppression.”

It is undeniable that the last few years have been a disastrous period with significant progress in gender equality. They were also undeniably a spectacular bummer on a macro and micro scale.

The insight Burana speaks of is painfully multifaceted, and besides, we can never lose sight of what we now know about some of the people closest to us or the agenda they are willing to support. Toxicity and polarization Broken friendships and divided familiesat a deeply hurtful level.

“I don’t know if the (election) result will change the sentiment in the community,” comedian and author Micaela Fagan said. “You start to feel like you don’t know who you can trust.”

I remember the last time I spoke to a particular family member and was told in no uncertain terms that “we can agree to disagree.” I can agree to disagree on a lot of things: tax rates, arts funding, even the nuances and boundaries of art. gun control. I cannot accept disagreeing with a party that welcomes a sexual predator in the Oval Office. I cannot accept that I disagree with the destruction of women’s health and privacy.

I can’t agree to disagree about doctors refusing medical intervention for ectopic pregnanciesand the presence of women They were arrested for miscarriage. Have you ever had a miscarriage? I have. It’s devastating enough physically and emotionally without the fear that you and your healthcare provider may be questioned, scrutinized, punished, that your lives may be in danger because of how it’s managed. And we can lay all this suffering at the feet of the pathetic carcass of what was once the Republican party.

Now that most of us know exactly which people in our lives are comfortable with punitive reactions to our gender, how much more true could it possibly be? How can we stay calm at Thanksgiving when there are people on the other side of the table who are all set? Is a dystopian Project the future of 2025? The patriarchy really relies on women to keep it comfortable and unchallenged, and it especially relies on it under its own roof.

Of course there is Friends for Kamala And MAGA womenbut the power dynamics of gender are unique. Süreyya KimyalıThe author of the aptly named book “Rage Becomes Her” pointed out to me that other forms of oppression, such as racism and homophobia, are based on marginalization. But misogyny cuts at the heart of the home and family. He called it “the most intimate inequality.” That’s what makes it so sad and so dangerous.

“Most families are the same race, the same ethnicity, the same religion, so the pressure point in those families is going to be gender,” he said.

The indifferent political sexism of those close to us has been a hurtful disappointment. But the resentment towards our gender is much more obvious among other women.

United States It far surpasses similar countries in maternal mortality. Among pregnant American women, hypertensive disorders are the leading cause of death beyond bleeding or sepsis. murder?. So don’t talk to me about it How dangerous are immigrants?How precious are mothers when the party that claims to want to make America great again remains so blatantly silent on the issue of intimate partner violence. And the threat of post-election retribution in both public and private settings is real enough to give us all pause.

“There’s a very strong sense that it’s going to be bad either way, and it’s going to be bad in different ways,” Chemaly said. “Clearly, women, especially poor black and brown women, will suffer the consequences of either the entrenched male supremacist consolidation of power or the backlash against the idea that the ‘woman’s’ party has won.”

“Maybe it’s a choice between getting fucked quickly or getting fucked slowly over time,” he said. “I think you’re screwed either way.”

I can’t convince anyone of anything. I can only express what I know many women feel: exhausted sadness that every shred of joy in this campaign season has been sucked out by a vengeful, babbling old man and his cry-baby minions.

“Ten years ago we said ‘Yes!'” Fagan said. we would say. he said. “Everyone would stand behind this.” Instead, we take notes in the restrooms. We use not only our voice but also our privacy carefully.

A note left in a New York City restroom in late October 2024. (Photo courtesy of Mary Elizabeth Williams)

“I feel like we’re in the middle of a global women’s rejection movement,” Chemaly said. “We don’t call this a protest, because this is not a typical protest led by a charismatic leader in the streets. Women are quietly giving up on heteropatriarchy.”

Patriarchy wants us to be afraid. And good job, patriarchy, because I totally am! But I’m more angry than I am afraid. And beyond angry, I am determined. The next few years will be ugly and sad for women in many ways. There is no doubt that it will be good for others too.

“Patriarchy will not go away quietly, but that doesn’t mean it’s not on its way out,” Burana said.

And by the way – at least for now – our vote is private.