Dear Annie: My elderly mother wants to move from her house in the country to a smaller house in the city. It’s his idea and he’s already looking for a home. But he has a house, a garage, and a warehouse full of stuff. If we are allowed reasonable power to decide, we should sort out excess items, dispose of them, donate them, etc. I estimate it will take us about six months. Since my family and I work and have families of our own, we are limited to working only on weekends.

Many family members began cleaning the barn and doing the heavy lifting and dirty work for Mom. He was mostly willing to clean the barn and dispose of my father’s belongings. But when we threw away his useless or unsafe items, he either freaked out or pulled things out of the dumpster (I’m talking fabric covered in mouse droppings or items made of rotten wood). These are things no one would move into a new house with. My whole family knows that when we start taking care of the house, he won’t act logically because most of the stuff belongs to him.

About 10 years ago, my entire extended family got together one weekend to help my parents clean out their garage and basement because we could all see a semi-hoarding/out-of-control situation going on. My father couldn’t park in the garage anymore because it was too full. Both of our parents had too much stuff everywhere and were unable to put things back in their proper places when they were done. There were items lining the basement stairs and impassable basement corridors. My father was cooperative and welcomed the help. He admitted that things were not going well. My mother fought us every step of the way.

My mother always kept items that should have been thrown away long ago. For example, when he and his father moved into this house, he carried groceries that were over 15 years old and told us they were still usable. No amount of argument could make him throw things away.

I don’t want to fight with him about cleaning the house; Been there, done that.

I told my parents that if it got too difficult to work with my mom on this, it would be okay to let her handle it. If he can’t move because he won’t shrink his belongings, he can’t move. After I said this, a sibling told me I was being rude and that if my mom wanted to move, we should help her. I don’t think I’m malicious. I’m trying to maintain my mental health and peace. I’m willing to help, but I believe there are limits. As long as my mom is safe in the house she’s currently in, I don’t think it’s wrong for her to stay there.

How can I handle this without angering my siblings? — Torn and Tired

Dear Torn: You and your family are fighting an uphill battle, and I agree: Sticking to your boundaries for the sake of your sanity doesn’t mean sticking to it. Your mother probably wants to downsize, but intent doesn’t mean execution.

Continue to encourage him to take steps toward decluttering. Help when you can and are in the right headspace. You might also consider what local resources are available in his or her area, from trash pickup to support groups. Stubbornness aside, your mother says she wants to make a big change in her life and that she absolutely needs it for her quality of life and security. Your and your family’s support will undoubtedly help him get closer to doing this.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” It’s out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology of her favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and compromise is available in paperback and e-book. Visit for more information. Send questions to Annie Lane at: [email protected].